I did so well, now i drop this on you.
Im so sorry.
I thought things were supposed to get better.
Every single day it gets worse.
I thought i was supposed to feel better.
But every day i feel so much worse.
Waiting for you to do what i did. Will that come? Hmm
Lets go somewhere, anywhere lets just go.
your logic is fucking stupid… you can follow naked women but i can’t lol. its a double standard to say oh nic you can follow naked men not women. you and i shouldn’t follow either, but whatever.
This isnt fair.
I hate myself.
not fucking cute.
I remember you, faintly to an extent. But I remember you. I remember being with you everyday when you were diagnosed. As soon as you moved into grandpa’s house. I remember you and Steve took me everywhere. You were my only true friend. I remember as things got worse, I got more torn. I was young and confused. But I learned. I became an older and more mature & responsible. I remember as you got sicker, i would see things that would not only hurt me inside for the time being, but for the rest of my life. I remember walking in on you during one of your seizures, where cousin Bob yelled for me to leave because he didn’t want me to have to see them restrain you down to your hospital bed. I saw anyway. I went to the waiting room and cried, you know how the critical care waiting rooms are… sad and gloomy. And there I was, a sad, confused & gloomy child, shaking scared to lose my best friend. I remember being at the hospital everyday with you. I remember the moment where our tough grandfather, a no love and affection guy said “I don’t do this often” as he reached down to give you what I think is the first hug I’ve ever seen him give anyone. I remember when you wanted to come home so badly because you swore you were fine. I wanted you to come home too, but I knew you couldn’t. You needed to stay where you could get attention 24/7. I remember time you were mid sentence and just lost it. Every feeling in your body and your eyes rolled back in your head. I was scared and so confused, but you just had a seizure. That was the scariest thing I’ve experienced. Thinking you’re gonna lose someone you love so dearly. I was relieved but not assured. I knew it was gonna happen sooner than later. And then one night, me and my mom were staying overnight with you. My mom made plans to bring in pictures of you when you were younger to show the nurses, before this mess, when you were truly happy. You were silent, you couldnt speak. Just laid there. I had my moms laptop, playing on it to pass time & hide some sorrow I was holding. I remember my mom watching you sleep when she noticed something, your chest wasn’t moving. And at that time, I lost my best friend. The closest I had to a sister and a best friend, just left before my eyes. We alerted the nurses, and they confirmed it. And that time, you were pronounced gone. We called the family to come and see you for our second to last time, we came said our things and yeah. I remember I said what I said and gave you a kiss on the cheek, or the forehead, I don’t remember exactly. But I remember the feel, so cold and stiff. There was my best friend. Gone. Then we had your funeral, it was beautiful, Ki Ki. We had the closest family come early and we had open casket, then when the others came we closed it. We wanted people to see you when you were happy. Thats why the room was filled with your pictures from earlier times. I also recall when the service came and the preacher or whatever talked, I had to go take your daughter Breyanna in the other room because she was Making ruckus. And I sat there with her, sad out of my mind. Missing my best friend. Then when we buried you I put a rose on your grave, I didnt shed a tear, I believe. I didn’t feel bad. I felt strong. Which I knew you would want out of your best friend. Strength. But today I reflect. And I miss you. I miss you everyday. But im strong. For you. All you wanted was to marry steve but it never happened. Steve moved on which I know you’d want too. I’m sure he still thinks about you. We dont see the kids much but when we do, I think of you, solider. I love you Erica and one day you and I will be reunited. Rest in paradise, you’re in a better place.
Know I miss you being here,
But I don’t miss you suffering.